What to do at the SGC when you’re bored
by Siathryn
Summary: What goes on around the SGC when people start getting bored. Inspired by Cammy's The Atlantis Handbook and gothfeary's Pick up lines and What not to so at the SGC.
1. Slogans and Sayings

**What to do at the SGC when you're bored**

_Inspired by Cammy's fic "The Atlantis Handbook" and gothfeary's "Pick-up lines" and "What not to do at the SGC"_

**qpqpqpqpqp**

It all started when someone found another paper tacked up on the board at Stargate Command. From there, it just grew as people kept adding to it, and adding their own comments. Even the people in Atlantis somehow got into it.

**Apophis**

**System Lord**

**99.99 sure we got him this time**

_Jack: Ok seriously people, we got him this time._

_Sam: Well sir, there were all those other times when we thought he was dead…_

**Ba'al**

**Still alive:**

**Clones 3-25, 78-79**

**And possibly the original**

_Daniel: You know, I'm not sure if I should laugh or not because this is true._

**Daniel Jackson**

**The only person who has ever had to re-use a coffin**

_Daniel: That really isn't funny guys._

_Jack: I know, but the pentagon has sent a memo to stat reusing your memorial wreaths. They're starting to get kind of expensive._

_Daniel: You guys haven't actually buried me, have you?_

_Sam:…_

**Rodney McKay**

**Taken on the worst of two galaxies**

**Losing to a lemon**

_Rodney: Alright, who put this up?_

_John: What are you gonna do about it Rodney? I have a lemon in my pocket._

**Carson** **Beckett**

**Saving people from their own stupidity**

_Carson: That is really quite true, especially in regards to Rodney._

_Rodney: Hey! I resent that Carson! _

_Carson: I was not the one who presented my ass to a bow wielding lad with a temper._

**RepliCarter**

**The beta version wasn't as good**

_Sam: Take that!_

_Teal'c: Indeed. _

**Jack O'Neill**

**Had all of the knowledge of the Ancients**

**And of course, he lost it**

_Jack: Now Danny, that's not very nice._

_Daniel: Neither was the being buried comment._

_Vala: Score 1 for Daniel._

_Cameron: Vala, you're not allowed to write comments on these._

_Vala: You going to stop me?_

**Samantha Carter**

**Blow up one sun **

**And you're one of the guys**

**Blow up more**

**And no one gets in between you and the jello**

_Jack: Very true. Walter's still in hiding._

_Walter: Sam, I'm really sorry. Can I please come back to work now?_

**Cameron Mitchell**

**Even the new guy can become the King of England**

_Cameron: I'm the True King of England!_

_Daniel: Cam,_ _shut up now. We've only had to hear this everyday since then. And Jack, stop encouraging him._

**Vala Mal Doran **

**Chaos served in a smart attractive package**

**With a side of plunder**

_Vala: I am not chaotic! _

_General Landry: Care to explain the fuzzy pink handcuffs on my desk then?_

_Daniel:…_

**John Sheppard**

**Kirking his way across the universe**

_John: I'm not Kirk._

_Carson: I do believe you're trying though._

**Ronon Dex**

**Cave-man saving the galaxy**

**One dead space-vampire at a time**

_Elizabeth: Can we please stop calling them space-vampires?_

**Radek Zelenka**

**Do prdele!**

_Rodney: Radek, no one else understands you. Please speak in English._

_Radek:_ _Ty seš takovej vůl. _

**Michael Kenmore**

**The little wraith that keeps on coming back**

**Kind of like a cockroach**

_Teyla: What is a cockroach?_

_Michael: I am curious myself._

_John: Goddamit! How the hell did he get in here?_

**Teyla Emmagan **

**The Xena of the Pegasus Galaxy**

**Except, without the big-ass sword**

_Elizabeth: Stop using American culture slang around the Athosians. And stop calling Ronon, Conan while you're at it._

_John: But Elizabeth_…

_Elizabeth: No John._

**Elizabeth Weir**

**The only one who though hair-dye and a curling iron were important**

_Rodney: I was wondering why I was attracted her. I've always had a thing for blondes. _

_John: You also thought a wraith was hot._

_Rodney: Shut up Kirk._

**Aidan Ford**

**Puppy-dog eyes on crack**

_John: This really isn't funny because of the wraith enzyme and all, but I seriously can't stop laughing._

**General Hammond**

**Sending them forth by the shiny reflective glare of his forehead**

_Hammond: JACK!_

_Jack: Jack is not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP._

**Cassandra**

**All the destructive impulses of a teenager**

**Amplified by Alien tech**

_Cassandra: I swear, it wasn't my fault._

_Vala: Of course it wasn't. I was the one who broke – uh oh. Hi Daniel._

_Daniel: Vala!_

**Janet Fraiser**

**Napoleonic Power-monger **

**She really means well**

**Even if it doesn't feel like**

_Jack: I know you mean well doc, but you have a serious problem._

_Janet: On the note of problems Jack, you were supposed to get a shot yesterday._

_Sam: Jack just ran out of the building._

**General Landry**

**God speed**

_Cameron: I couldn't think of anything else to put for him._

_Landry: Be thankful you didn't. I'm still your boss. _

**Walter Harriman**

**Master of Protocol**

_Sam: Walter, you're not allowed to write your own._

_Walter: Radek did. _

_Sam: He's also the only one who speaks Czech._ _And he's in another galaxy. _

_Vala: And his was actually funny._

_Daniel: When did you learn Czech?_

_Vala: I got bored._

_Cameron: Anyone else find that weird?_

_Teal'c: Indeed._

**Laura Cadman**

**Just because you're a genius**

**Doesn't mean she can't blow you up**

_Laura: Beware my explosiveness._

_Rodney: I now see why you and Carson didn't work out. Opposite ends of the spectrum there._

**Jonas Quinn**

**Oops**

_Jonas: That's all I get? Oops?_

_Sam: Well, you got to admit Jonas…_

**Anubis**

**I would be invisible too **

**If I looked like that**

_Jack: Anyone actually know what he looked like in the first place?_

**Oma Desala**

**All knowing **

**And still nosy**

_Daniel: It's not like Oma wasn't helpful Jack._

_Jack: Ya, but she kept hanging around._

**Thor**

**You guys must really be compensating for something**

_Thor: I do not understand Tau'ri humor. _

_Daniel: I'm not explaining this one Jack._

**Hermiod**

**Crap Indeed**

_Caldwell: Rodney, stop teaching Hermiod to swear._

_Lindsey Novak: He's not very good at it._

**Steven Caldwell**

**Testosterone poisoning and some of the largest guns in the universe**

_Caldwell: Remember the part about the large guns people._

_John: We're so scared._

**Kavanagh**

**I understand the need for a devil's advocate **

**But do we really need an advocate for small, whiny, crushable bugs?**

_Elizabeth: Rodney, stop making fun of Dr. Kavanagh._

_Rodney: Why? It's not like he's here._

_John: Rodney's got a point Elizabeth._

**Martouf**

**Why does everyone fall for Sam?**

_Sam: Not everyone falls for me!_

_Cameron: Well, actually, from what I've read in the mission reports…_

_Sam: Not another word Cameron!_

**Anise**

**The problems of sharing one body and having two minds**

_Janet: Nice going Sam!_

_Daniel: Did you have to bring me into your revenge though?_

**Lucius Lavin**

**The gods protect children and fools**

_John: I really wished we could've seen his face when he realized that the shield was depleted._

_Rodney: One can only wish._

**Robert Kinsey**

**Politicians serve two terms:**

**One in office**

**One in the deepest depths of hell**

_Kinsey: Take this down immediately Jack!_

_Jack: Make me._

**Charles Kawalsky**

**Never volunteer**

_Daniel: Where'd Kawalsky come from?_

_Kawalsky: You forgot about the other dimensions._

_Jack: D'oh!_

_Sam: Like I said Jack, Apophis isn't quite dead yet._

**qpqpqpqpqp**

And that brings us to the end of the fic. I don't have any plans on continuing this at the moment. Depends on if I can find more characters.

Translation of what Radek is saying:

"Do prdele!" is a semi-offensive term comparable to "for cryin' out loud" in English.

"Ty seš takovej vůl" means, "you're such an idiot."

Thanks for reading!


	2. Theme Songs

What to do at the SGC when you're Bored…Chapter 2

A/N – Wow. Thanks for the wonderful feedback. To all those people who want this to continue I have a nice little surprise. I sat down a couple days ago and thought up at least 3 more potential chapters. Hope you enjoy them! And special thanks to Cindy for the one about Ba'al!

_To listen to small clips of all the songs just go to and search for either the song title or the artist and you should find them _

**qpqpqpqpqp**

When the first list was ripped down to hide it from Kinsley's inspection a new one was started...Theme Songs.

**General Hammond**

"**Master of Puppets" – Metallica**

_Sam: Jack, you can tell Thor to beam you back down now, General Hammond's gone off base._

_

* * *

_

**Hathor**

"**Love Potion #9" – The Clovers**

_Jack: Ok, ok. Men are idiots. You happy now Janet?_

_Janet: No. You've still missed your check-up Jack._

* * *

**The Goaul'd**

"**And Another One Bites the Dust" – Queen**

_Daniel: Can someone please stop Walter from playing this song again?_

_Siler: Already tried. He's got several copies of it hidden all around the base._

_Daniel: Hopefully he runs out of copies before we run out of Goaul'd.

* * *

_

**Vala Mal Doran**

"**Man, I feel like a Woman" – Shania Twain**

_Vala: You got that right!_

_Daniel: Vala! Stop using my credit card to buy clothes!_

_Vala: You didn't mind last night._

_Daniel: I didn't notice the clothes. Were you wearing some?_

_Jack: Danny…

* * *

_

**SG-1**

"**Mission** **Impossible Theme" – Lalo Schifrin**

_Daniel: Goddamit Jack! Now you've got that song stuck in my head. _

_Sam: And Teal'c has been humming it all day.

* * *

_

**SGA-1**

"**Ghostbusters" – Ray Parker Jr.**

_Elizabeth: This isn't an improvement over calling them space-vampires John._

_John: But Elizabeth_…

_Elizabeth: Call them wraith. And Rodney, stop grinning.

* * *

_

**Samantha Carter**

"**Extraordinary Girl" – Green Day**

_Sam: Nice try Jack. You're still not forgiven for messing with my lab equipment.

* * *

_

**Anubis**

"**The Thing That Should Not Be" – Metallica**

_Cameron: Who's the one lending Jack, Metallica CD's?_

_Jack: Who says they're not mine._

_Cameron: Alrighty then.

* * *

_

**Daniel Jackson**

"**Before I'm Dead" – Kidney Thieves**

_Daniel: What is with you people? I haven't died that many times._

_Jack: Well, there was the time on Abydos, the time the Nox resurrected you, the two times you ascended…_

_Daniel: Shut up Jack.

* * *

_

**Radek Zelenka**

"**Weird Science" – Onigo Boingo**

_Rodney: At least he hasn't tried making lightsabers yet._

_John: Aren't you concerned though about those weird noises coming from his lab?_

_Rodney: What weird noises? RADEK!_

_Radek: Běh pryč Rodney! A držet hubu.

* * *

_

**Carson** **Beckett**

"**Doctor, Doctor" – The Who**

_Carson: And I don't just get the normal injuries either._

_Rodney: Can we please stop talking about the arrow incident!

* * *

_

**Rodney McKay**

"**It's Great to be a Nerd" – Arrogant Worms**

_Rodney: I am not a nerd. I am a geek. There is a difference._

_John: You're a part of Mensa, Rodney. And you throw a tantrum if someone touches your laptop._

_Rodney: Go away.

* * *

_

**Ba'al**

"**Macavity" – CATS, Andrew Lloyd Webber**

_Sam: The problem isn't that Ba'al's not there. It's the fact that Ba'al's always there._

_Daniel: Ba'al isn't ginger red though Sam._

_Ba'al: What kind of villain has red hair?_

_Sam: Get him!_

_Jack: Which one?

* * *

_

**Jack O'Neill**

"**Low Rider" – War**

_Daniel: Jack, nothing actually happened while Anise was here, right?_

_Jack: whistles

* * *

_

**Apophis**

"**I Will Survive" – Gloria Gaynor **

_Jack: Seriously not funny people. This is what is called tempting fate.

* * *

_

**Jonas Quinn**

"**Pretty Fly (for a White Guy) – Offspring**

_Jonas: I really need to spend more time on Earth._

_Daniel: You were here for a year Jonas._

_Jonas: But I still don't understand you guys at all sometimes._

_Sam: If it's any consolation, we still don't understand Walter at all apparently. _

_Siler: At least I found this CD so he can't play it._

_Daniel: Where was it?_

_Siler: Underneath the Gate. Along with the CATS musical recording.

* * *

_

**Walter Harriman**

"**Taps" – **

_Jack: I don't get it._

_Siler: He's always the last one to leave at the end of the day. And he's been here longer than anyone else I think.

* * *

_

**John Sheppard**

"**Secret Agent Man" – Johnny Rivers**

_John: I can live with it._

_Rodney: What's wrong with it?_

_John: Absolutely nothing. I thought someone was going to say the theme from "Star Trek: The Original Series".

* * *

_

**Teyla Emmagan**

"**Kung Fu Fighting" - Carl Douglas**

_Rodney: Where did Radek get the corny Kung-Fu movies from?_

_Radek: Už to mám je dle člen určitý Deadalus. Kde činit tebe cenit Už to mám je dle? Člen určitý magický film teplý? Blbec. _

_Rodney: You insulted me again didn't you?_

_John: Just give it up Rodney – he's never going to tell you what he said. Just go learn Czech like everyone else.

* * *

_

**Ronon Dex**

"**Where the Streets Have No Name" – U2**

_Teyla: We must really start paying more attention to Earth culture Ronon.

* * *

_

**Elizabeth Weir**

"**The Woman Song" – Sean Morey**

_Elizabeth: I'm not sure whether to be flattered or insulted Colonel Caldwell. _

_Rodney: Be insulted. Then we can watch you yell at someone besides me and John for a change.

* * *

_

**Wraith**

**"Slime Creatures from Outer Space" - Weird Al Yankovic**

_Elizabeth: JOHN!_

_John: C'mon Elizabeth. How can you not like Weird Al Yankovic?_

_Carson: He has a very good point. Even if the wraith aren't slimy.

* * *

_

**Replicators**

**"Killer Robots from Venus"– Arrogant Worms**

_Thor: The replicators did not originate in your solar system. And what are 'arrogant worms"?_

_Jack: grins_

_Daniel: No Jack. You're not allowed to corrupt the Asgard with our music. _

_Jack: Spoilsport.

* * *

_

**Michael Kenmore**

"**Eye of the Beholder" – Metallica**

_Carson: Tha' song is very appropriate John. I did'na know you had such a moralistic side._

_John: It wasn't me Doc._

_Carson: But you're the only one who listen's to Metallica on Atlantis._

_Michael: We did not only download the location of Earth from your database._

_John: Dammit! How the hell does he keep getting in here!_

_Michael: That is for me to know, and you to never find out._

_John: Security!

* * *

_

**Teal'c**

"**Faraway" – Apocalyptica**

_Sam: That is a good song._

_Teal'c: Indeed it is.

* * *

_

**Cameron Mitchell**

"**I Need a Hero" – Chris Rice**

_Jack: Teal'c, was this one you?_

_Teal'c: It was I, O'Neill. _

_Cameron: I'm not always the hero._

_Sam: Oh really?

* * *

_

**Aidan Ford**

"**New Kid (On the Block)" – Barenaked Ladies**

_Aidan: Hey! I'm not a kid anymore._

_Elizabeth: At least you don't act like a child anymore. Unlike two people I know of._

_Rodney and John: HEY!

* * *

_

**Laura Cadman **

"**Kissin Dynamite" – AC/DC**

_Laura: Where the hell is he?_

_Carson: Who love?_

_Rodney: She means me. I'm in hiding._

_John: Ah, so you were the idiot who put this up._

_Rodney: I am not an idiot._

_Radek: Apparently you don't value staying alive. Hloupý blbec. Aby chlad počasí do tvůj kraj musit mít zabˇtě málo inteligence buňka._

_Elizabeth: Play nicely children.

* * *

_

**General Landry**

"**I Just Can't Wait to be King" – Elton John**

_General Landry: Mitchell, this is not amusing._

_Cameron: But you are King of the base now Sir.

* * *

_

**Cassandra Frasier**

"**100 Years" – Five for Fighting**

_Cassandra: Does this have something to do with that weird time-traveling back to the Hippie Age?_

_Jack: Now who told you about that?_

_Cassandra: No one

* * *

_

**Oma Desala**

"**Firebird Suite" – Stravinsky **

_Jack: Too bad old Oma couldn't be here._

_Daniel: Stop grinning while you say it and I may believe you.

* * *

_

**Steven Caldwell**

"**Stick to your Guns" – Bon Jovi**

_Ronon: This sounds more like me._

_John: Trust me Ronon, it's not.

* * *

_

**Kavanagh**

"**Pay the Devil" – Van Morrison **

_Lindsey Novak: I don't care what you pay me, that man is never going to be allowed to look around the Deadalus ever again._

_Hermiod: I concur. He was most annoying.

* * *

_

**Martouf**

"**My Immortal" – Evanescence**

_Sam: It was really too bad he wasn't immortal._

_Jack: Ya, for a snake-head he wasn't so bad.

* * *

_

**Anise**

"**Nothing But Trouble" – Al**

_Jack: SAM!_

_Sam: Wasn't me this time Sir. _

_Jack: DANIEL!

* * *

_

**Robert Kinsey**

**"Politicians" – Emanon **

_Daniel: I rescind every comment I've had about Walter's taste in music.

* * *

_

**Charles Kawalsky**

**"Nice Guys Finish Last" – Green Day **

_Jack: No, don't tell me. It's that goddam mirror again. I thought it was supposed to be secure in Area 51. _

_Apophis: I have persevered with the aid of the incompetent, foolish Tau'ri. _

_Jack: Why can't we just keep him dead for once?! _

**qpqpqpqpqp **

_Here are the translations of what Radek is saying in this chapter. I do not know how accurate the internet translator I used is, so please don't hurt me if it's really bad. Thanks for reading! _

Běh pryč Rodney! A držet hubu. - Go away Rodney! And shut up.

Už to mám je dle člen určitý Deadalus. Kde činit tebe cenit Už to mám je dle? Člen určitý magický film teplý? Blbec - I got them from the Deadalus. Where do you think I got them from? The magical movie fairy? Idiot.

Hloupý blbec. Aby chlad počasí do tvůj kraj musit mít zabˇtě málo inteligence buňka. - Stupid idiot. That cold weather in your country must have killed a few brain cells.


End file.
